30 things I learned before 30

I didn’t think I’d be here by the age of 30. I didn’t think any of us would thanks to the panicked cries of Y2K and  Nostradamus’ impending WWIII.  So much for that. On the off chance we did make it past 2000, I imagined we’d be living in Blade Runner.  Flying cars, constant rain, weird clothes, German techno (maybe 2015).  Instead we have hybrids, the debate about global warming, Lady Gaga, and…Lady Gaga. The only thing that’s really changed is me.

My twenties began with the end of college and have come to an end with  a healthier outlook on life, the world, and the realization that LOST was a complete waste of my time. Learning doesn’t stop with college.  The real education picks up after you realize:

#30-Girls will no longer fall for your bullshit. In college making her laugh and buying her a drink would be enough to get into her good graces and hopefully her pants. Nowadays conversation will go from “what classes are you taking ” to “what do you drive.”  They want to know your intentions in life. Once they know that, they know what your intentions are for buying them that drink. The secret to bypass  all this is…well,besides just being able to wipe your ass with money Zuckerberg-style I really don’t have an answer.

#29-Drinking on back to back to back weekends is alcoholism. The rigors of going to class on 4 hours of sleep for 4+ years can take it’s toll on you. What better way to rest your body than to hit the local pub with your boys. Sure relationships blossom with the art of drinking week in and week out. But in the real world if you continue this pattern the only friends you’ll have will be at the weekly AA meetings upstairs from a bar. You will not make these meetings.

#28-Technology is your best friend. When was the last time you called somebody on the phone as opposed to texting or Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare, KiK, Chatroulette (maybe not Chatroulette. Then again I don’t know who’s reading this)? It’s how we communicate now. Just plug in and learn what everyone’s been up to since high school, who they married, what their house looks like, and how they’re feeling whenever they decide to log on-all without the fuss of having to call and pretend you care. Thank you internet!

#27-Music will suck, time to dig in the crates. Whether you’re getting old or the music industry is scrambling to find the next big hit to follow the current trend, anything you enjoyed listening to is dying a slow and painful death (I’m looking at you hip-hop). Maybe you’re no longer hip to what the kids are into these days what with their nut-hugging jeans and *insert current popular artist here*. That’s okay because the definition of hip changes every year.  So yesterday’s Steely Dan record is today’s Dougie.  Plus, it’s all crap anyway so don’t feel bad.

#26-Pull your pants up. Seriously. Come on man you have a job interview in an hour and you’re not Russell Simmons.

#25-McDonalds is bad for you. Always was, always will be. I didn’t need to see  Morgan Spurlock eating Big Macs for a month to know it was bad for me. Eating healthy has proven to be difficult and expensive. The most troubling part is knowing it’s bad for you and not caring. Eating McDonald’s is the equivalent of reality television. You know it’s terrible but you only have basic cable and there’s nothing else to watch at 11 pm.

#24-You will read the news. And you will care. When reading the newspaper, sorry, browsing the internet, you get the sense that the world is falling apart and realize it will affect you.  Is it because you’re feeling a sudden sense of mortality? Is it because the media is constantly bombarding you with coverage,scaring you to tune in? Or maybe you just struck up a conversation with someone and need to show them you’re smart (see #30). Either way you feel somewhat inclined to keep abreast of current events.

#23-No one is better than Michael Jordan. It’s a fact. Jordan revolutionized the NBA and the landscape of sports and marketing in general. He made Nike into the empire it is,  gave me a reason to wear Hanes, and convinced me to buy the Space Jam soundtrack (which I still have). Anything being done now in the NBA on and off the court was created by his Airness. Stop the comparisons.

#22-You will be broke and you won’t be alone. The trick “Big Tobacco” used to get so many customers was getting to them at a young age. You know, like drug dealers. Well that’s what credit card companies do. Only you’re in college needing money for books, food, condoms-er, books. I remember the day I signed up for my first credit card.  Actually I don’t remember how the process went, the only words that stayed in my head was “money”. After I signed my name on the dotted line I knew we’d be together forever. And we are.

#21-The kid talking shit to you playing basketball? You can’t hit him. Apparently it’s against the law to strike minors. Regardless of how much they deserve it.

#20-Are you going to die alone? Probably. Do I hate marriage?  No. Am I afraid of it? Very. I don’t feel marriage would or should change anything. Love is love. We should take it for what it is: two f*cked up people who enjoy each others’ company and want to be miserable together. The End.

#19-Paper is a thing of the past. I remember getting a girl’s phone number on a piece of paper. Now I can just program it into my phone and find out if it’s her real number right on the spot. That still doesn’t mean trees are safe.

#18-The legacy of Star Wars has been destroyed. You can’t undo what George Lucas has done. Have you ever been witness to a traumatizing ordeal that has left you scarred for life? Something like seeing your parents naked? Neither have I which is why I can still look at my mother and hug her. Star Wars? Not  so much.

#17-What’s the deal with Health insurance? If someone is sick or dying you take care of them. What is so complicated about that?

#16-Being PC has become very Homosexual. Being politically correct becomes a gateway for censorship which itself can be a gateway to violating our free speech.  Let’s not replace the word “Nigger” with “Slave” in a classic piece of literature just to ease racial tensions and hope to erase any pain that may linger. Goes the same for using the term “N-word”. We know what word you mean, just say it. Hasn’t stopped Quentin Tarantino.

#15-High School prepared you for the real world. Cliques still exists. Do you sit at the cool table on your lunch break from work?

#14-Kids are EVERYWHERE. You see the new profile pic on your friends’ Facebook page. Those ain’t baby pictures.

#13-Sex is EVERYWHERE. If you’re selling pants, show me the pants. Not the girl bending over.Why must there be a sultry female voice over selling me yogurt? Am I the only that thinks this? Am I?!?!?

#12-Anything can give you cancer. Deal with it. Whatever you’re eating or drinking right now is bad for your gums and teeth. The computer monitor is straining your eyes, weakening them by the minute.  What you’re sitting on is bad for you back. Your fingers are becoming weaker, increasing the risks of arthritis the more you scroll down. If it’s not true today it will be next week.

#11-If you play professional football you can get away with rape, murder,and dog-fighting. Not saying Roethlisberger raped the girl but he’s not the first NFL player to be in that situation. Now Michael Vick and Donte Stallworth-they did that sh*t. Did the time for their crimes respectively. But all is forgotten once you succeed on the field. Stallworth got signed to play for the Ravens while Vick became an MVP candidate. People deserve second chances. They get them if they have really good lawyers.

#10-Nepotism will whip its hair. Blame yourself for not running away and finding that wealthy family when you were 8. Yes Will Smith’s kids are cute, adorable, etc.  They’ve been turned into bonafide movie stars and singing sensations-the Luke and Leia of young Hollywood. Who wouldn’t want to give their kids a head start in life and provide them with opportunities they didn’t have when they were younger? Probably the guy that’s been busting his ass at the same company for 10, 20 years trying to get that promotion only to lose it to the boss’s son who smells like bong water and refuses to pull up his pants (see #26).

#9-Hide your wife and hide your kids ’cause Youtube is raping EVERYBODY, of their souls. Who needs talent, skill, or any type of foundation when you have either your worst or best moment recorded, uploaded, downloaded, shared, and exploited for thirty seconds to minutes of laughter and amusement? Watch for the 14:59 mark.

#8-Racism. Ole faithful. Just like everyone else, I’d like to think that racism  will be a thing of the past. But that won’t happen. People have their own point of views regarding certain subjects. Be it due to personal experiences, upbringing, or maybe they’ve just been indoctrinated by certain forces to think a certain way. You can mention how Obama being elected was a huge step for mankind and you have a point. But name another President of the United States that has inspired people to question his ethnicity, religion, and place of birth.

#7-Snowmageddon!!! I like Snowmageddon. It’s catchy. Catchy enough to tune in so you can see the awe of Snowmageddon which turns out to be a guy with a bad tan and great hair and a fellow female newscaster who is attractive, but not hot enough to be the Weather girl (see #13).  The reason these events are given these names are because they need these stories to be just that: events. Honestly does anybody know why Hurricanes need to be named? Is it just to give us a sense of how threatening and damaging they’ll be? Watch out for Hurricane Teresa, that b*tch is trouble.

#6-Everything’s loud. It just is.

#5-Tony Soprano is dead. For those in denial, skip this. If interested, here’s why:http://masterofsopranos.wordpress.com/the-sopranos-definitive-explanation-of-the-end/

*It’s a long but enjoyable read.

#4-Costco is an elitist establishment. You’re telling me I need a card just to walk in to the building?

#3-Family is forever. Not all of us are fortunate enough to still have our childhood friends around. If  after high school and beyond they still are, they’re practically family. But no one will ever love you like those who raised you and watch you piss yourself in a department store (thanks mom).

#2-It’s never to late to start a band. Dreams are just dreams the minute you stop chasing them. A lot of us seem to be stuck in neutral. We need to be happy. We can’t afford to sit around and watch life pass us by. We need to ride it until the wheels fall of. So go after what’s yours, regret is a bitter, bitter taste our tongues should never have to swallow.

#1-You’ll be fine. At least until you turn 40.